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Going Deep
By Linda G.
Standing in the checkout line at Safeway, I am minding my own torpor when, from the magazine rack two carts ahead, a headline calls to me.
“The Blended Orgasm,” it proclaims.
A blended orgasm? Is that anything like an espresso frapuccino, the blended treat from the in-store Starbucks I am slurping at this very moment? I like frapuccinos. And I like orgasms. Could a blended orgasm be to a regular orgasm what a frapuccino is to coffee? Bigger, better, sweeter, more buzz-inducing?
Very much so, according to the magazine’s big yellow letters. Now one cart away from the rack, I’m close enough to read the subtitle. Set against a hot red background, it beckons, “So deep, so strong. How you can have one tonight.” I am intrigued. As I sidle up to the conveyor belt, I casually toss my first-ever issue of Cosmopolitan in with the orange juice and soy yogurt.
I should note that, as a dyed-in-the-wool lesbian, I believe I am not exactly Cosmo’s targeted audience. My theory is borne out when I take in the entire cover in the safety of my home. “What Makes a Man Fall in Love” — not of particular interest to me. “You Sex Goddess! Crazy-Ass Moves He Wants You to Do to Him There” — umm, no thank you. “4 Things All Guys Keep Private” — why would they tell Cosmo? “Your Gyno’s Secret Thoughts About Your Sex Life” — again, if they tell Cosmo, those thoughts are hardly secret. “Hair That Gets You What You Want” — hmm. This possibility, I must admit, piques my interest. If my hair could, say, bring my gas bill down this winter, I’d sure like to know.
That, and what the hell a blended orgasm is. Is it an orgasm combined with something? Like an additive for a car engine? If so, what could that additive be? Perhaps, just as you are climaxing, to hear that you’ve won the lottery, too?
Or might a blended orgasm be the result of melding two or more non-orgasmic ingredients? Like maybe three parts baseball and one part perfect beach? Is a blended orgasm something that can be customized, according to one’s tastes? Would it be a night at the opera plus a gourmet meal for you, but maybe a couple of something elses for me?
I never thought I’d be saying this, but . . . I turn to Cosmopolitan for the answers.
And here’s what Cosmo has to say: “A blended O is the combo of the two different ways women can climax . . . ‘By simultaneously having your clitoris and G-spot stroked, you mix the unique sensations of each peak into one, resulting in a longer, deeper experience,’ explains Ava Cadell, PhD, a certified sex therapist in Los Angeles.”
I look up from my rag, er mag, and take stock of my blended feelings, equal parts disappointment and elation. Disappointment because, hello? Like, I’ve known this since the seventies? I just didn’t know there was a name for it. And elation because, hello again I knew something before you did, Cosmo. Sex expert, my ass. I was having orgasms, blended and beyond, while you were still in diapers.
The women of Cosmopolitan, they do not look like me. They are smaller. Younger. Their hair is coifed. They wear make-up. Their skin is air-brushed to perfection and their boobs look ripe for the picking. If these are the gals who are the sex goddesses, then Cosmo readers could, I suppose, infer that I am not.
They would be wrong.
I looked beyond the glossy red cover, and found a story that didn’t live up to its headline. Cosmo girls, you’ve got no idea what cooks beneath my drying skin. Think about that the next time you pull your cart up behind me at Safeway.
Bio & Past Articles
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Betty's List ‘Linda's A-Musings'
Columnist Linda Gebroe.
Linda Gebroe brings more than two decades of professional experience to her role as writer, editor, publications manager and communications consultant. Since 1987, she has owned and operated Gebroe Communications Services, a business that has helped scores of organizations communicate with a variety of audiences and markets.
As a sole practitioner, Linda has been able to do what she loves most, which is writing. Her work has been published in the San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco Magazine, and the San Jose Mercury-News, and been aired on KQED-FM, San Francisco’s National Public Radio station. A lifelong baseball fan, Linda has also written for the Sporting News, and for the San Francisco Giants and Oakland Athletics magazines.
You can reach Linda at lgebroe@comcast.net. Or visit her web site: http://www.lindagebroe.com
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